The Urban Celibate - “Dating Advice from an Italian-American Matriach, Part 1”

Posted on 20. Dec, 2008 by Administrator in Lifestyle

Her name is Elaine. She is one sassy lady. She wears form-fitting white jeans and leather shoe boots. She calls it as she sees it, brandishing her paper’s edge cutting wisdom to all who ask and most that don’t. She hasn’t the patience or time to sugarcoat her words of wisdom, as her New Jersey-based style of relationship advice is only dispensed in its most undiluted form. Lady Elaine is my mother, and she knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

Elaine

In New Jersey, Italian-American women have a unique flair in terms of their approach to love and relationships. Bordering on Mafioso, these women keep their men in check by any means necessary. Examining lint-laden scraps of paper from the depths of jacket pockets, checking outgoing texts, and investigating mysterious cell phone numbers are all par for the course on the war grounds of a typical Italian-American romance.
The scene in Goodfellas when Karen loses her mind, screaming through the intercoms, “Janice Rossi is a WHORE!!” represents a groovy kind of love that only an East Coast broad can feel, deep in her dangerous heart. In the throws of such a psychotic tirade comes an important lesson. For hot-blooded fiery females, there are two brands of moral offenders deemed undeserving of a single shred of pity or mercy; child molesters, and bitches who flirt with your boyfriend. A New Jersey jury would take merely seconds before finding such actions fitting for the maximum penalty allowed by martial law
Recently flummoxed by a close friend’s over-the-top flirtatious behavior, I enlisted the advice of Lady Elaine, my no-nonsense Italian American mother. Knowing what her knee-jerk reaction to such a dilemma would likely be, I attempted to soften the impending blow with positive character affirmations about my friend in question.
ME “Mom, I have this friend. She’s really very nice usually. Very funny, and super-creative. Maybe there are some self-esteem issues here that are making her behave this way…I’ve never seen her behave like this before and..”
MOM “Spit it Out.”
ME “She’s putting the moves on my boyfriend.”
MOM (micro-second pause) “I’d rearrange her friggin’ face.”
ME “Mom, I am not going to rearrange anyone’s face.”
MOM “Let me tell you something. Broads like that need to be taught a lesson. They have to learn that their actions have consequences. For them, it’s fun to screw with people’s emotions. Well, being seriously (expletive) pissed off is an emotion - and they better prepare themselves to deal with it. I’d kick her ass.”

Oh the sweet words of advice from Dear Old Mom. There was no suggestion of having a conversation about my feelings and working it out with my friend. There was no question of, ‘Why do you feel she is flirting with your boyfriend?’ The opening and closing arguments, verdict and judge’s sentencing went down in less than ten seconds. “You can’t trust her, dump her,” was repeated ad nauseum in the ensuing conversation. The gavel had been slammed. Case closed, no chance for appeal.
The fact is, becoming half of a couple and introducing your sweetheart to your circle of friends is bound to ripple the waters. The change in dynamic just might bring to the surface some character traits (and flaws) that were previously unnoticed. A few friends might be envious of your new romance and begrudge your sudden absence, and others may do the most harm when they spout out well-meaning advice.
Be mindful of the details you share and the company you keep. Friendships are never static; they react to changes in location, lifestyle, and many times profoundly to another entity entering the picture, which is bound to compromise your time and attention. And if you happen to be the town minx who enjoys getting your flirt on with a friend’s boyfriend…don’t make my Mommy rearrange your face. “Dating Advice from an Italian-American Matriach, Part 1”

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