The Urban Celibate - Pop Quiz

Posted on 01. Aug, 2008 by in Lifestyle

by Mz. Moxy

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. The dates of the dusty wall calendar were crossed off with an angry red pen, and tumbleweeds blew across my bedroom floor.

I realized my extended period of nonsexual activity had a name, and that there were others like me. Claiming my celibacy was not something I had planned, but as time would have it, it proved an unavoidable realization. In the spirit of child experts that have no kids, I endeavor to advise, through the clarity of my heightened awareness and distanced perspective. Sister Spinster at your service.

Will I be ‘tempted by the fruit of another?’ 1001 days…and counting. Believe me, I’m counting.

I have emerged from my cocoon a stealthy warrior, fit for battle on the dating scene. My pilgrimage into celibacy has afforded me sage knowledge and wisdom into the hearts of man and womankind. Never before have I seen so clearly my own folly and the mistakes of others in the bloody quest for companionship in the modern age. A few months ago I decided to test my skills in actual combat, and the following are my formidable opponents.

The Contenders: (in no particular order…)
The Rock Star Stylish Hipster (#1)
The British Music Manager (#2)
The New Jersey Ninja (#3)

Hipster (#1) is on the wire for every social gathering east of La Brea. Through this association I learned that this is the Mason-Dixon line dividing hipster and mainstream. I personally thought the impasse would be the 323 / 310 crossover, but I have been informed that L.B. calls the shots. In fact, I saw a t-shirt that depicted the La Brea & Sunset intersection with an arrow pointing east that read “Cool”, and an arrow pointing west that screamed “Lame”.

Although I admire the self-adoration of such graphic design, I will point out that the funky belt buckle is only cool the first 100 times you see one. And while body lice from unwashed thrift store duds can provide ample companionship, I prefer my clothing parasite-free. Weho pride!! Regardless, hipster is an adorable straight boy with a respectable ascot collection which is highly appealing to my stylish sensibilities.

B.M.M. (British Music Manager #2) is sweet as sugar, but due to his world traveling un-proximity, is sadly taken out of the race. New Jersey Ninja is an interesting character. However, this spiritual warrior is a lone wolf. Having no close friends outside the ninja circuit is cause for concern. A cultlike clan of cotton clad ninjas is the last thing I need on my plate right now. As a tool for your convenience and mine, I have compiled a list of questions to cut out the time and expense of going-nowhere dalliances:

Please take out and sharpen your #2 pencils. Completely fill in the circle corresponding to your answer. You have six minutes to complete this test. Start…now. 

Are you married?

Do you have any kids?

Are you a wheel-watcher?

Are you in AA?

Have you had any priors - or do you have any current warrants for your arrest?

Have you been diagnosed with any major mental illnesses?

Are you allergic to shellfish and / or legumes?

Are you an Evangelical Christian?

Are you a Republican?

Are you comfortable around gay men? (If not, please end test now.)

Do you eat pork, America’s other white meat?

(a) Zeppelin or (b) The Beatles?

Is the place you call home residentially zoned?

Have you ever been filmed having sex for the purpose of commercial distribution?

Are you currently rebounding from a psychotic relationship?

Have you ever (not in jest) referred to yourself in third person context?

Do you have any STD’s? (This answer does not refer to your psychic intuition regarding your health status, but rather, the results of medical tests performed by Board Certified General Practitioners.)

(a) Fender or (b) Gibson?

Has a restraining order ever been filed against you?

Please fill in your answers below:

When was the last time you drove a friend to the airport? __________

How many friends are you in regular contact with whom you have known for over ten years? __________

How many minutes of monthly ______ / weekly_______ / daily______ contact do you maintain with your mother?

Exactly what drugs do you do? How much alcohol do you drink? How much of each do you use: daily ______ / weekly______ / monthly______?

On having children, please circle one of the following:
Baby Gap, here I come!! Adult Swim Only

Time’s up. Pencils down. Pass your papers to the front row.

For your test scores, please contact [email protected], or you can cheat and get the answer key at Mz. Moxy is an East Coast broad keepin’ it quirky in the 323.

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